Serendipity according to the Macquarie dictionary is, the faculty of making desirable, unsought discoveries. A dear friend thinks, serendipity should be my nickname as it seems to follow me.
Spontaneous, unexplainable events and connections happen to me/us all the time. Maybe it describes the realm of mysterious connections that exist between us as human beings. We are all spiritual, emotional, social beings as much as we are physical. Maybe some of us have eyes to see or imagine it more just as others see a world of facts, stats and hard evidence. Both are equally good and keep us balanced.
I love exploring the connections between us, the different types of relationships and friendships we form over the course of our lives. Pause for a moment and consider the individuals who make up the tapestry of your life.................
Family, close & extended, old school friends, university & work colleagues, sporting companions, mother's groups, church groups, mentors, acquaintances, even the lady at the bakery you see each week when buying bread, each one being a unique, coloured thread woven into the fabric of your soul and life.
Have you ever had the experience of thinking about someone you haven't seen for a while, then a day later bump into them at the shopping centre? Is this as the French coin it, deja vu? Or is it a part of our souls yearning for connection, seeking out others consciously and subconsciously? As a Christian I see this as a part of prayer, as the mystics call it, holding prayer. Where simply the thoughts of someone, if held up before God, are as prayers for them.
Recently had this wonderful experience thinking about a young lad, mate of EQ. We were driving to work and saw a young man that looked like my son's mate. It wasn't him but asked EQ about him, if he'd been in touch with him lately, "no", came the reply. This lad had dropped out of school, got a job and was living with his older sister after losing his mum. Was thinking of this young man, holding him with prayerful thoughts. A few hours later pick my son up from work with the remarkable comments from him, "guess who came into work tonight?" You guessed it.
John O'Donohue puts it beautifully saying that our relationship with the invisible influences so much of our lives. We can become both artists and pilgrims in this realm. I like to believe that our spirits connect with a greater being than just ourselves, this gives me and my family great comfort, hope and meaning. Also knowing that everything happens for a reason and a season, surrendering to this is better than resisting it. Perhaps this is serendipity when we see it for what it really is.
Ever hear these words? "I don't' want too!" Sometimes it's a matter of too bad, too sad, suck it up and just do it. One of my 4 said this phrase this week in regards to ironing his work shirt about 30mins before we were meant to walk out the door.
Hmmmm I was tempted to give in and do it myself, it was early morning, the household was frantic to all be ready on time and it really would have been quicker and easier for me to do it. There is a certain amount of energy and patience required to combat negative attitudes and behaviour don't you think and sometimes we have to dig deep as parents to find that! Thankfully sense and sensibility took over, and was able to navigate the moment with a verbal reminder that we all don't want to do things at certain times, but we have to just get over ourselves and do it whether we want to or not! Said very sweetly of course! Nike sure got their marketing campaign right with the phrase, Just Do It!
Do you as a parent ever feel like this? I just don't want too! Cook diner after a long day at work, clean the long forgotten windows of the house, weed the neglected garden bed or sort the overcrowded linen cupboard, or like me, get assignments & essays done in due time. After negotiating with my son about ironing his own shirt, felt the sting of reality bite me. Here I am trying to teach him self discipline and felt it slap my own face.
I am glad he didn't get out of it, but who disciplines us? Odd thought as adults, perhaps. Self discipline is a desirable trait in anyone, especially our own children. Some seem to be born with an incredible drive, tenacity and bent towards always doing their best, natural high achievers, others seem so chilled & relaxed with laisez faire attitude that self discipline is as black is to white.
Reflecting on parenting as an exercise in give and take. Sometimes to keep the peace we give a little slack to our children, recognising they are after all, just children. We cannot discipline for childishness, this would be unreasonable. However as they mature into their teen years, the degree of responsibility inevitably has to become more as they approach adulthood and independence. The delicate balance is knowing when to give into human tendency to shirk responsibility and when to be resolute and say, just do it!
We'll get it right sometimes and other times we'll miss the mark & opportunities, but all in our best efforts to cherish and teach out children. Happy parenting!
In our ego driven, self absorbed, often thankless society, it's a beautiful and sometimes rare but precious thing to be grateful and to appreciate. To foster gratitude in ourselves first and then to model this to our children is never to be underrated. Valuing an attitude of gratitude in family life is so important that I wanted to blog about it.
In our family we have adopted saying, "thank you for saying thank you" - it may seem a little OTT (over the top) as my kids call it, but will often say this to my children if and when they do say thank you. It also maybe seen as a little old fashioned but have from babes taught my children to especially be thankful after a meal. To thank Mum, Dad, Nana or whoever the cook/preparer of the food is, and though at times we get a little slack with this, my children say it by habit now, unprompted. Manners are often remarked upon by parents, whether good, bad, ugly or indifferent, so it is worth the effort to instill in our children young that being thankful, genuinely appreciative & polite are manners that stand one in good stead for life!
It's easy to grow lazy with thankfulness or to think that it isn't necessary, yet I think we would all rather hear an avalanche of, "thank-yous" than none at all! An overdose of gratitude to some may seem insincere but far better than to be ungrateful, complaining or even apathetic. It warms my heart immensely every single time I hear one of my children say, thank - you, I dare not take it for granted!
Gift giving is another area where we sometimes get a little over expectant and under thankful. We have all attended birthday parties where especially young children (toddlers) have not learnt the etiquette of waiting and opening presents later, instead they rip open the present almost before you have finished handing it to them and then before they have had time to really appreciate the current gift, move quickly onto opening the next present, then the next...... sometimes feel we overindulge rather than truly appreciate. It's almost like we have to intentionally fight against the tide of selfishness that can engulf us. I wonder if fostering gratitude is one way to counter balance the propensity we all have to want more and simply be content with less?
As a child I was taught to write, Thank-You cards or letters after a birthday to personally thank each relative and friend that had come to a party or given a gift - we used to do this as a family, but with time constraints, perhaps pure forgetfulness or even a sprinkling of ingratitude festering have lost this art. Maybe finding creative ways to be thankful and appreciate the little along with the big things in our lives; acts of service by another, compliments, gifts and even just being there can become an individual and family lifestyle choice.
In recent 'gentleman lessons' with my sons, Mr EQ opened the car door for his sister upon return home from camp in a comical gesture but with the giggles & laughter came much appreciation, of a simple wordless act that meant so much!
Princess Thoughtfulness said thank you last week for something that seemed really insignificant at the time, but during the week it has come back to me over and over like an echo, how lovely it was. Guess that's what got me thinking about the value and beauty of gratitude, let it overflow from our hearts and lives like a bubbling spring so that others also are caught up in its flow...........
Every family creates their own folklore. I often tell my children that life is full of sweet and sour - we now call it the sweet and sour principle of life. If everything was sweet and rosy all the time, then it would soon not be, as how quickly we adjust to it, thinking it's the norm and most likely take it for granted.
We need the sour things of life to help us truly appreciate the sweet.
We have had many 'sweet times' together as a family; memorable holidays, moments of sporting, academic, musical, dancing and personal achievement by each of my four, moments that create certain 'highs' of life, special times of just 'being together' laughing or playing games, working together, driving together, giving together and even in the ordinariness of everyday life there are plenty of sweet moments of pure satisfaction and contentment when life is good, things are stable and everyone is healthy and happy.
There have also been plenty of 'sour times' which have coloured our world, family life and memories. Separation and divorce no doubt the most significant that has changed and marked each of us indelibly. Though the agony and consequences of this never goes away, it gets integrated into our lives by the attribute of resilience that dwells within each of us. My four are amazing. There is no doubt they have each been scarred by these sour experiences, but how each of them have turned this into something sweet in their lives, leaves me humbled and in awe of the human spirit.
Humbled by the grace of God who does turn what is meant for harm to good when we ask Him, humbled by answered tear filled prayers that my children would be buffeted, balanced and well adjusted, humbled that they use their difficult circumstances to now help others. Choice is a contributing factor here - thankfully my four don't feel sorry for themselves as I too have never indulged them this, yet seeing them choose turning sour to sweet, nothing cheers a mother's heart more!
Thoughtful Princess is now sought after by her peers for her counselling advice - everyone comments on how fun yet 'mature beyond her years' she is, a result of living through sour times and allowing it make her sweet not bitter. An attitude of gratitude despite many things that could make her otherwise. Mr EQ, empathetic and a confidante for many of his mates who have gone through or are going through parental separation and divorce. Deep Waters, astounds us often with his understanding, awareness and words of wisdom for others in difficult circumstances. And Little Miss Sunshine ever ready to pray for her friends in trouble.
Life is sweet and sour whether we like it or not. Despise not the sour as it makes the sweet, sweeter. Let's keep encouraging our children to turn their sour moments and experiences into character building opportunities.......
We all crave love. We all want to feel secure, connected, nurtured, appreciated. How we give and receive love is often different, but what is common to us all is the need & desire to be loved. To love and to be loved upheld with air, food, water & shelter as the most basic of human needs. Gary Chapman in his series of best selling books, The Five Love Languages - spells out his thoughts on how we fill our 'love tanks'.
"Sociologists, psychologists & religious leaders all agree that the most fundamental need of children & teens is to feel emotional love from the significant adults in their life".
Chatting this week with a dear friend on the joys and challenges of parenting teens reminded me of Chapman's book, entitled the same, Love Languages for Teenagers and thought it was blog worthy.
Deep Waters saw the book on our kitchen table and asked what it was about - when I explained what the 5 love languages were, he asked if he could have them all! Sure, I said, but usually we have a primary and secondary love language according to Chapman. So after a bit of explanation of what each were, then asking him when he feels most loved by me, his response was, "when you lie in bed with me at night and we talk"!
Deep Waters being the only introvert in a family of 4 raging extroverts never demands my time. He is so content on his own that I have to carve out space to make sure I connect with him. We often have bed time chats in 'his space' and it was interesting to hear that this is when he acknowledged his love tank is filled!
So what are the Five Love Languages you are all busting to know!
#1 Words of Affirmation
#2 Physical Touch
#3 Quality Time
#4 Acts of Service
#5 Gifts
You can probably use your imagination to draw out of each one how we give and receive love. Chapman of course explains in great detail in his book, which I highly recommend. The underlying premise is to find which language best connects with each of our children. He believes that when our love tanks are empty we disengage. That's when the behavioural and attitude issues arise. Conversely if our love tanks are full, if our children & teens feel secure in our love, nurtured and clear boundaries set, then all is well in their world. Easier said than done!
Some of us really need to hear words of encouragement and affirmation. Others of us need to be touched (appropriately), hugged and held while some of us need lots of quality time. Acts of service refers to doing things for each other, (often more a male trait, whereby words and touch are not forthcoming, so washing the car or taking out the rubbish are expressions of love). Then for others the exchange of gifts means everything, great value is attached to the gifts and express love.
For Deep Waters, his love languages are quality time and touch. He likes one on one time with me, even though he never asks for it, and he likes to feel close to me physically, though he never initiates it himself. I have discovered over the years that if I touch him (just a hand on his shoulder or even hug him) while he is doing piano practise or homework that he physically 'melts' - any bad attitude fades away.
It maybe helpful to think of each of our children, from toddler to puberty looking for the distinct markers of how they give & receive love, and learn to speak their language fluently. This won't be without it's challenges, yet is well worth the effort in our attempts to cherish our children and help them grow into healthy, independent, secure adults.
This post was meant to be on Mother's Day. Wrote some of it on Mother's day in between my daughter's dances but ran out of time to finish, so here it is, one week later, but still relevant!
Literally where would we be without mothers? Not here! From the beginning of time, the role of motherhood has been esteemed above all. Mary, the mother of Jesus even reverenced for her role in history, iconic.
Today remembering the women; mothers and Grandmothers who have influenced and shaped my life.
My Mum is one of the hardest working women I know. Earliest memories of her are working several jobs at the one time to raise my sister and I as a single parent. Doing anything to make ends meet and provide the best for us. Though resources were tight, we never lacked anything. Mum knew how to make a meal out of nothing. I have memories of Mum working till midnight on handicraft projects to sell; from ceramics, to teddy bears, dolls and patchwork quilts. Always creative, working at night after working all day. Mum also loves her garden, a place she starts her day and everything in it flourishes with her tender care.
Mum is a wonderful Nana to my four and they all adore her. Nan's house a favourite place to be for fresh baking and card making. When I first started back to work, Nan would always be at our place too, helping care for my four after school. Am forever grateful. We can never leave Nan's house without taking more than we came with, either a tub of home made soup, a batch of biscuits, clothing Mum has found garage sale-ing - we never leave empty handed!
My Mum is incredibly generous, industrious and loving. She also knows how to 'let go'. She let me go to England when I was only 18 years of age, and live in Europe for 2.5 years. I knew it was difficult for her, but she let me do it anyway. Probably my fierce independence comes from her, am grateful that she trusted enough to let me go.
I think my Mum gets her hard working ethic from her Mum! Nana Allgood was a dairy farmer's wife. Grew up in peanut country, Kingaroy, mother of 6, she too knew what is was to work hard; no washing machine, microwave, dishwasher or electric dryer in her day of raising 6 young children! Monday was washing day, the whole day. Tuesday baking day, all day, Wednesday, sewing day (as all clothes were handmade) and so on....
"Idle hands are devils hands", Nan used to say. And never were her hands idle. She was always crocheting, knitting or doing needle work of some kind if sitting still, even while watching TV, she was never idle. Nana Allgood also loved her garden. Snap dragons, freesias, hydrangeas, pansies and petunias always filled her garden in their season. I learnt names of plants thanks to Nana and today when I see beautiful gardens, think how much Nana would love it too. Nana was a very selfless, quiet, religious lady who made the best date scones on the planet!
My father's Mum was a carpenter's wife and similarly inspiring. Adopted as a child, she was the only one of us to have a private school education and grew up in beautiful Toowoomba. She lived a more bourgeois lifestyle, marked by sport and travel. Contributing to women's sport in Australia in the early 1950's so significantly that she was acknowledged by the Queen with a special award in the year 2000 - a letter only discovered when preparing her funeral. A humble, elegant lady who lived to 99yrs old, outliving her husband and 2 of her 3 sons. Sharp as a tack even at the end of her life, though visually impaired, she never let that affect her quality of life.
For her 99th birthday she was given a brand new pair of sneakers to go off to rehab gym at our local hospital. Unfortunately she had broken her hip, however surviving the surgery at 98yrs, she bravely faced 2 hours of gym work everyday, until it all got too much and she was 'ready to go home' as she graciously put it.
Grandma was able to recite all the names of the Broncos footballers & claim her pick for State of Origin team! Much to my son's great delight when we would visit, Grandma was listening to the footy game on the radio! And would politely tell us we would have to wait until the game was finished before we could chat! Grandma Turnbull loved her sport. Grandma was strong, elegant, poised, reserved yet broad minded.
I think mothering is the most significant, demanding, responsible role we will ever have as women. I also believe it's healthy and honouring to reflect how we have been shaped & influenced as a reminder in our current stage as mothers of what things will impact our children.
What will our children remember about us?
Cognitive Dissonance Reduction (CDR) is a fancy social psychological term for dealing with inner conflict. I attended a leadership workshop this week for work and this model was presented. I have heard it before but it got me thinking about how I can apply it to parenting. How life is so much about dealing with external and internal conflict and how do we prepare or demonstrate positive responses to this to our children.
I actually like models as it helps me make sense of the world and gives hooks to hang experiences on. CDR is simply the state of holding two opposing views and the process of rationalisation to reduce the conflict with those two opposing views. We all do it daily without even thinking about it consciously.
An example is from Aesop's famous fable, the fox and the grapes. The fox wants the grapes, but he can't reach them, so he decides that they mustn't be good anyway, so turns and walks away. Hence the term, 'sour grapes'.
Human tendency is to 'judge' or 'criticise' what we can't have, or decide that we don't want it anyway to reduce the distress, discomfort, tension or conflict.
How often do we see this in our children? They want something, such as high grades for a particular subject, but don't attain it, so they 'rationalise' and say something like, " I didn't really like that subject anyway"! They love their school, want freedom of expression, but don't want to conform to strict uniform rules, so all of a sudden, "school sucks", just because they have to wear formal socks or a hat!
I think for my children and probably many others from divorced or separated circumstances, the greatest dissonance is wishful thinking, wish Mum & Dad were together, wish our family was together again coupled with the reality of brokenness, it can't be. Holding these opposite views sometimes just takes, acceptance, letting go.....
Holding the conflict or tension of, I want something, but I can't have it - whether it be a physical thing like grapes, a new skateboard, a new camera or an intangible such as a special relationship/friendship or a goal that we are striving for. Simply we can't always have what we want. So how do we as parents help our children deal with this inner conflict?
Modelling and developing emotional resilience within our children is easier said than done. Also not being seduced to 'rescue' them when they are dealing with inner conflict, disappointment, dissonance. Sometimes it's healthy (but hard for us) to let them sit in that space for a while to learn to develop their own ways of positively rationalising, coping or finding a resolution, no matter their age.
Like the butterfly, if we break the cocoon open for it, the butterfly doesn't develop the muscles it needs in that process to fly away. So it is with parenting.
Emotional resilience is integral to maturity. Dealing with conflict and finding positive ways to hold opposing views also requires help sometimes. Help! So knowing when to let our children sit in that space and when they need help to turn a negative to a positive does takes great sensitivity, patience and probably a bit or alot of trial & error.
Depending on their age and stage will determine how much help they need. Setting age appropriate expectations is about being realistic.
For me as a parent often it's simply recognising and being aware of these things that helps the most and finding ways to apply and communicate this to my beautiful four so they too can recognise it in themselves..... and hopefully we can all be more the wiser, happier, healthier, selfless and resilient for it.
Happy Parenting xo
