Bear Cottage

Entrance to Bear Cottage, Sydney

A wall of teddy bears aptly greets you at Sydney's Bear Cottage 1 of only 2 paediatric hospices in Australia. Being a total novice to the area of paediatric palliative care didn't detract from the incredible impact Bear Cottage has on you when you spend time there.

A purpose built 10 bed hospice with home like bedrooms for sick children & adjoining rooms for their families plus home-like lounge rooms, art rooms, media rooms, a spa, multi-sensory room, a quiet room & beautiful outdoor spaces set in bushland surroundings with Manly harbour views - it couldn't be a more beautiful setting to care for your dying child.

It is a week today since visiting Bear Cottage & am still processing the profound impact. Queensland needs a similar facility. My mind races with ideas, models & ways we can create something similar here in our own state of Queensland. Am so very grateful and commend organisations such as Queensland Kids who have devoted their entire existence advocating for Hummingbird House to be established here in Queensland similar to the model of Bear Cottage.

As a parent visiting Bear Cottage breaks and fills you all at once. Your heart breaks for the children and their families there with life limiting illnesses and for their daily struggles with health and quality of life challenges, of making the most of time they have. However an incredible sense of hope, happiness and life in the midst of dying that is so beautiful words can't describe.

I have always been grateful for the good health of each of my four, the visit to Bear Cottage magnified this a thousand fold.

As a professional and passionate advocate for equity of access to palliative services visiting Bear Cottage also magnified a thousand fold how much we need to see Hummingbird House established for families here in Queensland.

With Australia’s population of almost 23 million there are only 2 children’s hospices nationally and none of them are in Queensland.  The UK’s population of almost 63 million boasts 44 children’s hospices.

As a lover of seeing dreams come true - reflect on the history of Bear Cottage and how it came to fruition only through tenacious commitment, sacrifice and phenomenal community support. Reflect on the conception of Hummingbird House and all that is ahead to see it become a reality so Queensland families don't have to travel interstate to access such excellent respite and end of life care.

To see dreams comes true sometimes is pure destiny, rarely per chance mostly only through vision, hard work, tenacity, perseverance, integrity, relationships, networking, partnerships and passionate people using their gifts, talents and positions to see a vision turn to plans turn to development turn to reality.

Can I encourage you to check out the websites of both Bear Cottage and Humming Bird House and join forces to see the dream become a reality. Helping kids and families who need hope.

Cherishing life impacting experiences

Cherishing the passion & drive of colleagues

Cherishing compassionate, professional care given at end of life

willingness

photo by carolyncjjones.com
Willingness is the key to open many a door

I think it would be fair to say everyone loves a willing participant, a willing volunteer, a willing employee, a willing lover, a willing friend, a willing teen, a willing son, a willing daughter, a willing heart?

What a difference it makes when one doesn't have to gently persuade or strongly encourage.

Or conversely feel nagged, manipulated, pushed, contrived or forced.

"Does anyone want to take the rubbish out?"

No response.

"EQ please take the rubbish out!"

From an options based question to a command like request when there is a void of willing participation.

As my children have grown over the years, my parenting style has changed with their age and their capacity to make choices more responsibly. However two principles have held fast & are now being tested in teen years.

I was very influenced as a young mum by the work and writing of Dr James Dobson. Two parenting tips {from many of his} that shaped my whole approach were and are;

1. Only discipline for direct disobedience, never for childishness (i.e. never discipline for a child spilling milk but if they directly say no to a reasonable request that relates to safety or intentionally disregard what you have said, there should be a consequence, a loss of a privilege etc).

2. When your children are under the age of 10yrs you don't need to be their friend. They need you to be their parent, to teach what is right & wrong & need to learn to respect you. When they become teens, win their hearts, be their friend, be their confidante, be present in their world.

These seem like two very simple tips. Simple in words. Hard in practise. I have tried to live and apply them. I fail mostly but keep on trying.

One of the many beauties of being human is freedom of choice.

I am learning as a parent of teens to win their hearts and to give them freedom in their choices. Love, limits & liberties.

Big and little choices.

Choosing their own school subjects is a big deal. Choosing to go up the coast with their mates for the weekend is a big deal as a novice parent of a new P plater! Especially driving in the pouring rain at night with a car load of 16yr olds!

Choosing to be helpful or not may seem like a little deal, but to me it is also a big deal & I think can reflect a willingness in other spaces too.

Last night, after a late dinner, a sink full of dishes and a week of rostering duties run out. I asked in almost a joking way, "Who wants to do the dishes?", truly expecting no reply & prepared to do them myself.

Instantly there was an, "I will," response. I was stunned, surprised & delighted. Melted by DW's willingness yet again.

It was precious. Blogworthy! Got me mulling on the beauty of a willing spirit. We all appreciate it, so let's cherish it when we see it and aim to be willing parents who model this to our toddlers & teens.

Cherishing a willing spirit

Cherishing the joys & challenges of parenting

Cherishing what my children teach me! 

Marshmallows & butterflies

photo by chicagoveganfoods.com

Having one on one moments with my four is a rare and treasured treat. As anyone with multiple children will find. Often it's in the car doing drop offs and pick ups that we have these 1:1's. A captive space and time, no distractions, just talk time, or silence as the case may need.

Recently had 3 episodes of 1:1's that were very special. Maybe what made them so special was that they were on a weekend they were meant to be at their Dad's & missing them terribly, yet we managed to have time together, making it super special.

Last Friday night was Mummy & Sunshine time - she had a sleep over to get ready early for dance photos {Daddy doesn't cope with bun nets & makeup!}. A precious time of non stop chatter, like cramming everything in before the sun went down. Even Sunshine commented how good it was not to have to compete with siblings for 'talk time'! Priceless.

"So much to tell you, Mummy - I can't talk fast enough". Her youthful energy, exuberance & love of life spontaneous and contagious. We ate dinner together, iced her cousin's 1st birthday cupcakes & chatted the night away. Precious.

Saturday last week brought literal sunshine and with it the opportunity to mow the overgrown grass {helped along by all the rain & heat} along with everyone else in our street & probably south-east Qld! This is traditionally EQ's job. He mows the grass & I pay his mobile phone bill, at a capped rate of course!

So Saturday afternoon my mowing man son came to do the deed - again 1:1 time, though spent gardening rather than talking together was a very good time. In preparing for mowing I had to 'train' our  grape vine to climb the trestle rather than run along the grass - a lesson from nature in parenting, of how we too guide/train our children/teens to go a certain direction.......

Party time Saturday night and 1:1 time with Thoughtful Princess, only car time going to & fro my nephew's first birthday dinner, but a beautiful time of candid chatter. Thoughtful Princess was telling me about her school week, about situations that could have turned ugly and how she didn't get offended easily, or take things too personally. Needless to say I was delighted to hear this!

We all know what 14yr old girls can be like!

She coined the phrase, "I'm glad that I am not all marshmallows & butterflies".

I like the phrase and thought while we want to instill in our children to be tender, kind & compassionate, we also want them to be resilient & not melt like marshmallows under pressure or accusation nor fly away from difficulties like butterflies.

Being able to let offences slip you by and be assertive at the right time and in the right measure are very good traits and attributes. Grateful.

Cherishing chatter time

Cherishing 1:1 time with my children

Cherishing that my daughters are assertive

I can manage my own time

photo by theosophical.wordpress.com

"Have you got any assignments or homework that need attention this weekend", I asked my four yesterday. "I can manage my own time", came the classic response from Deep Waters {DW}. Said in an astutely responsible tone, rather than the normal defensive one.

I was pretty impressed by his statement actually. Especially having just written a blog about allowing my teens to own their own decisions. This feels like part b) to yesterday's blog. It confirmed again he really is taking ownership of his study and learning and doesn't need my 'paternalistic' input checking up on him. For now. Almost a dare to trust him to it.

Time management seems to confound us all at different phases in life. Particularly teens who have to squeeze school, study, sport, music, dance (Sunshine), part time jobs, the gym (EQ) & facebook (lol!) into their lives. They often need a little encouragement, direction & moderation to get their priorities in order & keep on track. Us adults sometimes do too!

We all know people who you wonder how they even find time to breathe their lives are so ridiculously busy and productive. I am trying to ban the word busy this year. Rather than respond to how life is by using, busy, am replacing it with, rich & full or challenging & rewarding. I am tired of hearing myself say, busy to everything! Not sick of being busy, rather clamouring to find other adjectives to describe life. Busy is a given, tell me something I don't know!

Hearing DW choosing to be so responsible for his time was delightfully heartening. Furthermore when asked if he wanted to go to the library he added that his plate was already full and that he really didn't have time for reading anything else (his plate; study, part time job & practising for his grade 7 piano exam). Again I was touched, he was being realistic & protective of his time.

He seems to have grown up all of a sudden! Grade 11 has changed him into this very focused, responsible & determined young man. Demonstrating that he carries not by chance his father's middle name, his looks but his character as well, a cool cucumber under pressure. He is even keeping his room tidy without being nagged also!

With the patchy rain yesterday we had fun hanging the washing out, bringing the washing in, alternating loads in the dryer. The rain was about to fall again so I rushed outside to take a line full off  to find DW right beside me, without being asked, he started taking washing off with me. Melting moment. 

As mums, we do treasure these moments & conversations close to our hearts. I am obviously, easily pleased - little acts of random, self initiated kindness & motivation delight my soul no end, especially from my children. Here's to DW managing his own time well!

Cherishing my son

Cherishing positive choices

Cherishing the growing up that happens all of a sudden

Owning their own decisions

photo by www.swifteconomics.com

It's a rainy Saturday morning, 3 of my 4 are still fast asleep, the babe of the family already at dance classes, a bright start at 5.45am. A choice she has made herself as it's the only time in the week her teacher can do solo lessons! She is that keen she jumps out of bed to get ready! Her energy and passion always ever inspiring.

I was also inspired this week by DW's choice & diligence to study and do homework without being prompted. He seems to be loving the challenge of new subjects, understanding the importance of revision each night and focused. A choice he has made of his own accord. I have not pushed or coerced. He has owned it.

Reflecting on the first few weeks of school as I curl up in bed with laptop and coffee. Sunshine and I already had our early morning pot of tea to start the day.......

Chatting with a colleague in the week who has 3 young children, hearing tales of toilet training & sleepless nights, empathetic to every detail having lived this myself, found myself thinking those younger years are so physically demanding, yet teen years so emotionally demanding.

Helping our teens navigate life & the myriad of choices it proposes! We are an options indulged culture. How do we prepare our teens to face the options overload of the real world? School subjects, uni courses, career pathways, phone plans, internet providers, life partners. There's almost too many options for everything!

We all want our kids to make wise choices, right choices, good, positive ones! Do we not?

As we faced a few weeks of mine wanting to swap subjects at school it felt like all of life depended on this! Unrealistically so! After stepping back and weighing up with them all the options, realised that in the end they have to learn to own their own decisions. Even if they realise 6months - 12months down the track perhaps it wasn't the best choice, it has still been an important lesson learnt.

As positive choices can be a teacher so also regret can be a hard but powerful one too.

Letting our teens make their own decisions is sometimes agony, especially when you don't agree or would preference another option. Yet I believe as a mum I have to let them own it for themselves. Even if I can see the risks, the pitfalls and potential disappointment down the track. Alerting them to these is all I can do, the choice then is theirs to make.

It goes against the grain of protecting them, wanting to shield them from all life's harm, yet it seems to be the only way to grow emotionally, build resilience, independence and mature........

Cherishing the choices my children make

Cherishing life's little dilemmas for what they teach us

Cherishing opportunities to learn tolerance to ambiguity 

noticing beauty

Signposts, exploring everyday spirituality www.innovativeresources.org

Noticing beauty. Finding beauty. Chasing butterflies. Star gazing. Cloud watching. Smelling the roses.

These are considered 'normal' things attached to beauty.

Ever find yourself so wound up racing here and there that you have to deliberately stop to notice beauty? Sometimes when responsibilities crowd in find myself wanting to chase butterflies like a child, stare at the ocean, wander in the botanical gardens or just watch the sunset.

Is that avoiding responsibility? Or seeking solace in the midst of the tide pull of 'too busy schedule' over balance?

This week found myself seeing & feeling people's pain in an acute way. Yet in the midst of existential pain noticing incredible beauty & resilience.

We all carry a cross of some description.

Caring for a disabled child, struggling with depression, anxiety disorders, death of a child, death of a spouse, challenging work situations, challenging family situations, divorce, single parenting, dementia diagnosis, cancer diagnosis, financial crisis, infertility, the ageing process, dying process, not getting into Uni, betrayal of a partner, relationship breakdowns, unwanted singleness, child abuse, domestic violence, homelessness, redundancy.....

None of us are immune to pain, suffering or struggle, potential job loss or diagnosis of a life limiting illness.

But what I have seen alongside suffering is remarkable resilience, courage, hope & beauty.

This week have been inspired afresh by people I work with, people I care for & clients who teach me how to notice beauty in the most unconventional places.

Though I long for chasing butterflies & watching sunsets, I have seen incredible beauty in the amazing colours & diversity of the human spirit; in the dedication of loving relatives caring for a mother with dementia, in a brother's love sitting by his bed as he breathes his last breath,  in colleagues who juggle caring for disabled spouses & children yet are solutions focused in the midst of crisis, news articles of flood recovery stories, in the tears of a friend struggling post redundancy.

Noticing beauty in the crosses people bear

Cherishing what others teach me in their pain

Grateful for inspiration in troubled times

A week of firsts and lasts

Sunshine's first pair of pointe ballet shoes

Last week was a week of milestones, firsts & lasts for many families, including ours. First day back to school. First of my four to hit grade 12, last year of school for him. Last of my four to farewell primary school and start middle school. First of my four to get their license and last time dropping him somewhere as he can now drive himself!

First time I could ask my son to pick up his siblings. First time to drive up the coast on his own with a car load of friends. First time driving solo at night. But certainly not the first or last time worrying if he'll be alright!

First pair of pointe ballet shoes bought & pointe class attended for our budding ballerina. First time DW tackled physics & chemistry & played keyboard @ church,  first medical scan and exposure to demonic activity (not at the same time) for Thoughtful Princess.

What a week!

I often write about milestone moments as a part of cherishing everything parenthood brings. Savouring significant moments in their lives, starting school is most definitely one of them. Facebook was flooded with photos of everyone's little ones starting school. The joy & tears! Both parent & child! 

With the opening of a new chapter brings the closing of another. With a first usually comes a last.

A work colleague and I had lunch together yesterday reminiscing about the changes in our children's lives and how it seems to impact us more than it does them. Attachment and letting go is often a bigger deal for us parents than it is for our child or teen. They are filled with pure excitement & thrill of something new as we muse & mull over the way it was & will never be the same again. 

The wonder & adventure of life fills our children as we realise we will never walk this road again with them. That is why I chose to write this blog, to simply cherish every little moment, to capture, to enjoy, an attempt to make the most of opportunities & time given us, rather than in complaint of how hard it all is.

Last week was wonderful & hard all rolled into one.

Cherishing firsts and lasts in my children's lives

Cherishing the wonder & joy they bring

Cherishing even the tears