Self Control

This is a blog written to myself. As parents we long for our children to demonstrate self control, to hold their tongue, not swear, cuss or tell lies, to delay gratification getting something or doing something, to put others before themselves, to always speak well of others, to be perfect right? I find as a parent that I fail many, many times so how on earth can I expect my children to do all these things.

What I love about children and find really refreshing is that they say it as it is. Sometimes being direct is too black and white for some people, but I love this no fuss approach that children seem to have. They don't sugar coat. EQ is a master of it. They haven't been so socialised that they have learnt to beat around the mulberry bush like us adults. They usually just say it straight. Even if it does come across a bit blunt. Interesting that a part of growing up is learning appropriate social etiquettes. I do wonder if sometimes it's a bit fake.

I lost a friendship recently because I dared to be direct. Everyone was talking about her behind her back feeling very uncomfortable with this and thinking I was doing the right thing dared to tell her that a group of us were all frustrated by some of her decisions. Perhaps I could have said it a little more softly, gently, made it more palatable, sugar coated it. Perhaps I did the wrong thing to even express our frustration, but I actually thought if it was me, I would want to know. It's not a crime to feel frustrated, but I guess how we express it can be. She was highly offended. I have apologised, rang and emailed, but obviously haven't apologised enough or in the right manner to satisfy. I won't apologise for us all feeling frustrated as absolutely no malice was intended, only awkward attempts at sharing what others felt  to seek a solution that suited the majority.

Maybe I am too direct, too open, too honest, too transparent, too vulnerable, too bold? According to my kids, I had a rage at Vodaphone last night. It was hardly a rage but that's the language my kids use to describe anything that involves raising ones voice above normal. Am sure most of us have experienced the immense frustrations of dealing with phone companies. Firstly navigating the myriad of recorded messages none of which relate to your specific problem, then being placed in a telephone queue to speak to a human rather than a machine, only to be passed around customer service officers telling your story a dozen times before someone can actually offer assistance. I tried to be patient. By the time someone actually helped with our problem, I was a little short with the poor person on the end of the phone. I know it wasn't his fault directly, but it was very hard to remain sweet and self controlled.

Thoughtful Princess was washing up listening to the whole conversation and after the hour on the phone it took to sort out, she debriefed with me! Talk about role reversal!!! Here she was at the kitchen sink telling me that I had been rude and fake on the phone. She was right! I lost self control. I tried to justify it, but the more I talked the wronger it sounded. DW even later bragged to his mates about his mother having a rage at Vodaphone to sort his service out! Not sure if that's something I want to be known for!

So what could I have done differently? Held my tongue. Pretended to be satisfied with their service when I wasn't? Pretend to my friend that we weren't frustrated by her choices? How do we channel our frustrations so they don't negatively impact on others? I don't have a simple answer, because it's different for each situation but I do think that I probably should have hung up on Vodaphone and rung back when I wasn't so annoyed. It serves as a lesson for me and my children in what not to do and how not to handle a situation. 

However I was very glad that my daughter recognised it as wrong and not normal for her mother to speak like that. This I take as a positive in the midst of a negative example.

Cherishing my children for keeping me accountable and for the beautiful way they continue to teach me to be a better parent!