This year have noticed that when we walk together, guys deliberately turn and look at Thoughtful Princess. This week a much older man kept staring at her while we were at the petrol station and I really wanted to yell out, "Get your eyes off my daughter"! Protective Mum, definitely! I feel like a mother bear with her cubs, roaring if anything threatens our peace and security! It's not surprising they look as she is a beauty to behold, but it has struck me how protective I feel of her. Makes me also consider modesty and how to live and teach this to my daughters. Also to teach my sons how to respect and treat women.
The protection of modesty can only go so far. We can be responsible for ourselves, but not for others choices. It's been an age old debate around sexual assaults - did the woman deserve it because she was wearing a mini skirt? We still hear it today in the 21st century as if it can possibly be some plausible excuse for some man's inability to curb his sexual desires! She made me do it, because she looked so good! Really!!! What about self control and respect for another human being don't we get! Our TV's, billboards, everywhere we look are half naked women, (just watching the Olympics with carved athletes barely clothed disputes the adage of minimal clothing being a reason for assault). Pornography is available in the same aisle as lollies in most service stations and 7-Eleven stores! It's that accessible, at the press of button literally.
Should we as women have to wear veils to cover our faces as do Islamic women? This certainly doesn't stop assaults against women in Muslim countries! Geisha girls in Japan demonstrate that the beauty of just a woman's eyes can attract a man. Should we have to wear habits as do nuns to not show any curves or draw any possible attention? Does what we wear really matter at all, would it protect us from stares, wolf whistles, genuine compliments or flirtatious conversation? A total stranger told me once I had JFL hair. I don't need to tell you what JFL means, I didn't know and naively asked the man what he meant. I was totally shocked that a stranger could be so rude! Maybe in his mind it was paying a compliment, but to me it was highly offensive. This was standing in line to pay for a meal! Was I somehow provoking him by standing in line?
At the beginning of this year, Thoughtful Princess who would normally wear board shirts and a rash shirt to go swimming, came out wearing a bikini. My sons, aged 16yrs and 14yrs then told their sister to go put some clothes on and that she was trying to show off! It was classic, comical scenario. It was as if they too were being protective of their own sister. She has blossomed and developed into a young woman in the past 12 months taller than me now and it was like her brothers were seeing her as such for the very first time, they didn't know where to look. I am glad that they are protective of their sisters and we often make the analogy that they are their body guards, especially walking Sunshine home from school still.
So what of modesty? What is appropriate and not appropriate? What is reasonable and what is being ridiculous? Neck to ankle dresses? Thoughtful Princess as most girls her age loves wearing short shorts. Not for any reason than they are what's in at the moment. Again her brothers pass comment. They will admit to liking this style on other girls, but not their own sister! There is definitely a balance to be found between wearing what you like, is comfortable, reflects your personality and taste and considering modesty. Should we as girls/women have to really consider if it's going to draw attention? Is that really our responsibility?
I too have been asked about 'drawing male attention' as if I 'cause it to happen or somehow it's deliberate, intentional or my fault.' I think simply being female is my response. By virtue of being female and being friendly can be all that it takes, there is certainly no deliberate intent involved. We can't stop being female, or feminine, maybe we can stop being too friendly! How do we be modest, be true to ourselves and not draw unwanted male attention? Is it possible? Is it necessary? Is it my/our responsibility to 'not cause my brother to stumble?' Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and whether you are wearing neck to ankle clothes or something more trendy, both can be equally attractive to any given individual, not an invitation to stare or be undressed mentally. For some it wouldn't matter what they're wearing anyway! It's who they are!
This is how I have guided my daughter and wonder if others do the same. Would appreciate comments or suggestions from others on how they handle this too. I teach my daughters to respect themselves first. Simply to be mindful of what they wear and how they act. There's short and there's too short, choose comfortable. There's low cut and there's too low, choose covered breasts. There's modesty and there's a 'cheap' look, choose modesty. Choose clothes you like. Cherishing my daughters and teaching them to embrace being feminine.
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