Fear of failure

It was a toss up to call this post, fear of failure, humble pie or wrongology (term coined by Kathryn Schulz). Found out yesterday that I haven't passed one of my subjects towards my masters. Bless, my lovely lecturer said she even marked one of my papers twice to try and find extra marks, but reality is, that it just didn't flow, it wasn't good enough, it didn't meet the criteria. My argument was flawed, referencing poor and I really didn't engage with the topic. I knew it was a very average effort when I sent it in, being pressed for time, crossed my fingers, whispered a prayer and hoped it would be enough to get me over the line.


On reflection, I didn't deserve to pass. I didn't engage with the subject properly at all since being involved with a state election political campaign, have struggled with the juggle of family, work & study and addiction to fb! Not using this as an excuse, rather evaluating my slack attitude which was one of aiming simply to pass rather than to learn. Taking on too much, expectant of favours rather than being realistic. I now think trying to be superwoman is not something to aspire too, but rather a recipe for failure! 


I read this very thought provoking speech recently which has been a good shock absorber to receiving the disappointing news, it helped me gain perspective.


You can read the full speech here -  You are not special


What I got out of this article was the stark reminder to embrace the journey of the challenge and not dread or wish it over before the process has wrought its work in me/us. Also to seek not the accolade of completion but rather relish the process of getting there as just as important, if not more. I am guilty of the former. 


The old saying, "you get what you put in, is true,". Although DW doesn't think so regarding his HPE grade.  He worked really hard, but was disappointed with his final semester grade. He believes he definitely deserved better and feels hardly done by. Somehow too, I had selfishly hoped for a miracle, but thankfully God is not fooled by our minimal efforts just as university lecturers are not! 


I do attempt, as no doubt we all, to teach my children this, but feel like I have failed them with my own example. Interesting how school report cards can make us feel like good or bad parents, when really efforts are owned by our children. Also interesting is how we gauge value based on effort or productivity, an almost communist view. 


Are we worth less if we don't achieve an 'A' or high distinction? Definitely not, but maybe we all secretly wish our children could be straight A students and claim their brilliance! Even though all we ask is that they try their hardest, do their best. Well on this occasion, I didn't do mine & the results showed that! 


To do our best and aim for excellence is to be admired, but what happens when we don't? Do we feel less as a person? Courage is to do our best despite our circumstances, physically, psychologically or emotionally and hopefully learn from our mistakes, rather than despise or disown them. 


Perhaps an even greater reminder is that our worth as human beings is not in our accomplishments or lack thereof but in the intrinsic, ineffable value and dignity of simply being who we are. Otherwise how do the severely disabled, paraplegic, or one with dementia rate their lives. Their life is worth the same as someone who wins the nobel peace prize or can split atoms. Unfortunately we esteem success over failure, being right over wrong. I finish with two quotes, the first from Benjamin Franklin (1784), as quoted in 'Being Wrong' by Kathyrn Shcultz;


"Perhaps the history of the errors of mankind, all things considered, is more valuable and interesting than that of their discoveries. Truth is uniform and narrow; it constantly exists and does not seem to require so much an active energy, as a passive aptitude of soul in order to encounter it. But error is endlessly diversified; it has no reality, but is the pure and simple creation of the mind that invents it. In this field, the soul has room enough to expand herself, to display all her boundless faculties, and all her beautiful and interesting extravagancies and absurdities." 


David McCullough finishes his speech with:


" Climb the mountain not to plant your flag, but to embrace the challenge, enjoy the air and behold the view. Climb it so you can see the world, not so the world can see you. Go to Paris to be in Paris, not to cross it off your list and congratulate yourself for being worldly. Exercise free will and creative, independent thought not for the satisfactions they will bring you, but for the good they will do others, these rest of the 6.8 billion - and those who will follow them. And then you too will discover the great and curious truth of the human experience is that selflessness is the best thing you can do for yourself. The sweetest joys of life, then, come only with recognition that you're not special. Everyone is."