Dealing with inner conflict

Cognitive Dissonance Reduction (CDR) is a fancy social psychological term for dealing with inner conflict. I attended a leadership workshop this week for work and this model was presented. I have heard it before but it got me thinking about how I can apply it to parenting. How life is so much about dealing with external and internal conflict and how do we prepare or demonstrate positive responses to this to our children.




I actually like models as it helps me make sense of the world and gives hooks to hang experiences on. CDR is simply the state of holding two opposing views and the process of rationalisation to reduce the conflict with those two opposing views. We all do it daily without even thinking about it consciously. 


An example is from Aesop's famous fable, the fox and the grapes. The fox wants the grapes, but he can't reach them, so he decides that they mustn't be good anyway, so turns and walks away. Hence the term, 'sour grapes'. 


Human tendency is to 'judge' or 'criticise' what we can't have, or decide that we don't want it anyway to reduce the distress, discomfort, tension or conflict. 


How often do we see this in our children? They want something, such as high grades for a particular subject, but don't attain it, so they 'rationalise' and say something like, " I didn't really like that subject anyway"! They love their school, want freedom of expression, but don't want to conform to strict uniform rules, so all of a sudden, "school sucks", just because they have to wear formal socks or a hat! 


I think for my children and probably many others from divorced or separated circumstances, the greatest dissonance is wishful thinking, wish Mum & Dad were together, wish our family was together again coupled with the reality of brokenness, it can't be. Holding these opposite views sometimes just takes, acceptance, letting go.....


Holding the conflict or tension of, I want something, but I can't have it - whether it be a physical thing like grapes, a new skateboard, a new camera or an intangible such as a special  relationship/friendship or a goal that we are striving for. Simply we can't always have what we want. So how do we as parents help our children deal with this inner conflict? 


Modelling and developing emotional resilience within our children is easier said than done. Also not being seduced to 'rescue' them when they are dealing with inner conflict, disappointment, dissonance. Sometimes it's healthy (but hard for us) to let them sit in that space for a while to learn to develop their own ways of positively rationalising, coping or finding a resolution, no matter their age. 


Like the butterfly, if we break the cocoon open for it, the butterfly doesn't develop the muscles it needs in that process to fly away. So it is with parenting. 


Emotional resilience is integral to maturity. Dealing with conflict and finding positive ways to hold opposing views also requires help sometimes. Help! So knowing when to let our children sit in that space and when they need help to turn a negative to a positive does takes great sensitivity, patience and probably a bit or alot of trial & error.   

Depending on their age and stage will determine how much help they need. Setting age appropriate expectations is about being realistic. 


For me as a parent often it's simply recognising and being aware of these things that helps the most and finding ways to apply and communicate this to my beautiful four so they too can recognise it in themselves..... and hopefully we can all be more the wiser, happier, healthier, selfless and resilient for it.


Happy Parenting xo