Love langauages

We all crave love. We all want to feel secure, connected, nurtured, appreciated. How we give and receive love is often different, but what is common to us all is the need & desire to be loved. To love and to be loved upheld with air, food, water & shelter as the most basic of human needs. Gary Chapman in his series of best selling books, The Five Love Languages - spells out his thoughts on how we fill our 'love tanks'. 


"Sociologists, psychologists & religious leaders all agree that the most fundamental need of children & teens is to feel emotional love from the significant adults in their life". 


Chatting this week with a dear friend on the joys and challenges of parenting teens reminded me of Chapman's book, entitled the same, Love Languages for Teenagers and thought it was blog worthy. 


Deep Waters saw the book on our kitchen table and asked what it was about - when I explained what the 5 love languages were, he asked if he could have them all! Sure, I said, but usually we have a primary and secondary love language according to Chapman. So after a bit of explanation of what each were, then asking him when he feels most loved by me, his response was, "when you lie in bed with me at night and we talk"! 


Deep Waters being the only introvert in a family of 4 raging extroverts never demands my time. He is so content on his own that I have to carve out space to make sure I connect with him. We often have bed time chats in 'his space' and it was interesting to hear that this is when he acknowledged his love tank is filled! 


So what are the Five Love Languages you are all busting to know!

#1 Words of Affirmation
#2 Physical Touch
#3 Quality Time
#4 Acts of Service
#5 Gifts


You can probably use your imagination to draw out of each one how we give and receive love. Chapman of course explains in great detail in his book, which I highly recommend. The underlying premise is to find which language best connects with each of our children. He believes that when our love tanks are empty we disengage. That's when the behavioural and attitude issues arise. Conversely if our love tanks are full, if our children & teens feel secure in our love, nurtured and clear boundaries set, then all is well in their world. Easier said than done! 


Some of us really need to hear words of encouragement and affirmation. Others of us need to be touched (appropriately), hugged and held while some of us need lots of quality time. Acts of service refers to doing things for each other, (often more a male trait, whereby words and touch are not forthcoming, so washing the car or taking out the rubbish are expressions of love). Then for others the exchange of gifts means everything, great value is attached to the gifts and express love. 


For Deep Waters, his love languages are quality time and touch. He likes one on one time with me, even though he never asks for it, and he likes to feel close to me physically, though he never initiates it himself. I have discovered over the years that if I touch him (just a hand on his shoulder or even hug him) while he is doing piano practise or homework that he physically 'melts' - any bad attitude fades away. 


It maybe helpful to think of each of our children, from toddler to puberty looking for the distinct markers of how they give & receive love, and learn to speak their language fluently. This won't be without it's challenges, yet is well worth the effort in our attempts to cherish our children and help them grow into healthy, independent, secure adults.